How to deal with friendship breakup.
Growing up, I hated being introverted. I really was in love with the idea of having a friendship circle of close knitted best friends. I also fancied having one very true honest best friend. I believe now that my obsession with that idea was partly the cause of my many failed friendships.
Honestly, friendships are wonderful. That genuine feeling of connection and understanding from one person to another. It feels good to have people who celebrate with you, cry with you, understand you, and sometimes admonish and correct you. That is why it sucks even more when these beautiful connections have to come to an end.
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Why are friendship breakups so hard?
I’m honestly answering this from my personal experience.
I had a best friend in my first year of university. We clicked almost immediately from the first time we saw each other, like those friendships formed in the first few minutes of an MSA video. They immediately become best friends from the first encounter they meet.
We certainly had so many things in common, we were so close, and we impersonated each other when talking to certain people over the phone.
Growing up as a woman, forming close friendships was really important to me. There’s something about having a fellow woman who you trust, and she equally understands your feelings, you know?
Especially that feelings part, you just want emotional validation. You are getting to know yourself, your emotions are all over the place. Your state of mind may not always be the finest in your younger years.
By the time you’ve successfully built this precious bond with your friend(s), it feels deeper than other kinds of relationships, like your romantic relationships. She knows you, you know her. You are like soulmates, a sisterhood. You go on amazing trips, gossip about others, make plans, fight, make up, and support each other financially, emotionally, etc.
We invest a lot of our selves and time into friendships. We sacrifice a lot for friendships, sometimes we don’t even realize how deeply we are intertwined with friends until life cracks us. This is why friendship breakups are hard.
Realistically, everyone wants a BFF for life! We want to grow with our sisterhood, together. So when life happens in a way that unfortunately strains your friendship enough to break it, it is really painful. Even arguably more painful than romantic breakups.
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Why do friendships break up?
There are a number of reasons why friendships break up. We are humans with different stories, experiences, thoughts, and feelings. These factors make up our self-image, and how we define ourselves.
Just like you, the next person has their own set of fine print that defines them. The difference and similarities in our respective fine print are often the reason friendships are created and ultimately why breakups happen (in romantic relationships as well).
Without further ado, these are some of the reasons friendships break up;
People grow apart.
Over time, we change. Change is the one constant thing in life. Every day as we have new experiences, we change psychologically. We have physical changes in our bodies as we grow up. Believe it or not, something as simple as physical changes can break up friendships.
Did you know friendships can break up due to envy over physical glow? Something as simple as healthy hair, glowing skin, and body attributes can create insecurity between friends, and this can break friendships up.
Psychologically, differences in mental state, thinking process, and perspective can cause friendship breakups. Our view of life is becoming more important every day in relationships. Especially in today’s world, we have seen on platforms like TikTok how people break up because they didn’t see eye to eye on certain political or social constructs.
Lack of communication
They say communication is the key to a healthy relationship. And this is true for all relationships, including friendships. One thing that causes friction in friendship and other relationships is a lack of communication. Poor communication threatens friendships.
Miscommunication is the mother of relationship breakups. Conflicts always occur and resentment always builds up when communication breaks down. What suffers is your precious friendship.
Personally, this is what caused my friendship to cease. I’m terrible at expressing my honest opinions. And some days, I sit and wonder how far my friendships could have gone if I had been communicated.
A lack of communication is a lack of connection. Connections in friendships like other relationships are built by consistent honest communication. No one is a genie, you can’t read people’s thoughts, and you can only trust them to be honest with you. Don’t assume in friendships, communicate.
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Betrayal and trust issues
There is no friendship or relationship without trust. In fact, trust is one of the core foundations of a solid friendship.
One sad and common reason many friendships break up is due to a lack of trust. Unfortunately, it’s so difficult to build trust. It’s not even like you’re trying to say everyone will betray you.
Life just happens to be that way, the majority of the people you form friendships with may not have your best interest at heart. Especially friendship groups, I promise I’ve never seen one single friendship group that didn’t have some internal drama about betrayal and breach of trust.
Betrayal is so common. People love to gossip and sometimes, your friends have other friends and they can just discuss your matters. Maybe it’s not always from a place of malice, but that breach of confidentially has everyone talking about your business. Except you’re a socialite who thrives off being talked about, no one likes to be an object of ridicule.
If one party feels betrayed in a friendship, whether due to a breach of confidence, dishonesty, or disloyalty, it can significantly damage the bond and make it challenging to rebuild trust.
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Changes in life circumstances
One of the saddest ways a friendship can die is due to inevitable life changes. We make friends at every new level of our life. Sometimes when we move on to the next level, we may not always move along with our closet relationships.
It can be painful to watch our friends seemingly do better than us. It is also uncomfortable when our closest friends are doing poorly compared to us.
We have to be realistic enough to identify that different situations can bring about different emotions. Distance is another barrier that can impact friendships.
When we face unavoidable significant life transitions, we may have less time and energy to invest in friendships, leading to a gradual drift apart.
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Conflict and unresolved issues
One thing that’s constant in life apart from change is disagreements. As we have mentioned before in our blog posts, all humans are made of their own fine prints and this affects the way they see the world. We have differences, even among best friends and lovers.
However, these disagreements and conflicts can lead to the demise of our relationships. Disagreements often come with higher levels of negative emotions, Anyone who has been in a disagreement with their friends, family, or significant other knows how unsatisfying these negative feelings leave you. Especially because you generally care for this person.
In the same vein, if the conflicts continue and remain unsolved, the friendship will suffer and die a painful death. This is again, why honest and sufficient communication is the foundation for a good friendship. Moreso, an inability or unwillingness to address and resolve conflicts can strain the bond and eventually lead to its dissolution.
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Lack of support or emotional imbalance
I earlier mentioned that friendships give a sense of understanding, support, bonding, and closure. We all need these, in healthy doses of course. Unhealthy doses of emotional support can be dangerous.
The purpose of every Friendship is support, understanding, and mutual care. When these feelings seem like they’re coming from one side only, it can and will create an unhappy friendship atmosphere. It takes two to tango.
A healthy friendship consists of equally supportive, caring, and understanding parties. When one person begins to feel constantly unsupported, neglected, or emotionally drained by the friendship, it can become unsustainable and eventually break down.
Toxic behavior or unhealthy dynamics
In other extreme cases, friendships can become very toxic. I’ve had an experience with being in a toxic friendship. We were a group of friends, but it seemed that we were more focused on criticizing each other lifestyles, personal choices, and preferences.
There was even an internal divide in the friendship group, with each person taking their own sides and living one of us as a middleman. We got to a point where we couldn’t stand each other and just began the shady social media journey. It is a very cringe memory for me. I really wish I wasn’t involved with the entire thing from the inception.
Likewise, in some cases, friendships may become toxic or exhibit unhealthy patterns. This unhealthy behavior can include manipulation, constant criticism, emotional abuse, or codependency. It’s healthy and self-love to recognize such dynamics and choosing to end the friendship can be a necessary step toward personal well-being.
An important thing to note is that you can still cherish the good memories you created with your friends when the cycle ends. Sometimes, parting ways is the best decision for the individuals involved. It allows them to focus on healthier relationships and personal growth.
Moving on: how to deal with friendship breakup
- You should acknowledge your honest feelings.
The very first step to moving on from a friendship breakup is to acknowledge and accept your feelings. There is nothing wrong with feeling a huge sense of loss, sadness, and anger over your broken friendship. After all, its sometimes you’ve invested your whole life into. More importantly, if you don’t feel these, you may have never been a true friend.
This person knows so much about you, and you have been together through the worse and the best times. Of course, you’ll feel sad, hurt, betrayed angry, or disappointed. Don’t try to suppress or ignore your emotions. This is more dangerous for your personal development. It is self-love to allow yourself to feel your emotions and express them healthily. You can write in a journal, talk to a trusted friend or family member, or seek the help of a therapist.
- 2. Create time for self-care Self-care during this difficult time.
When overwhelmed with negative emotions, fight back with self-care. Ensure you take care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being the most during this difficult time.
Eat healthy foods. Foods with lots of vitamins like B vitamins are important to the well-being of your emotions. Exercise regularly, sleep on time, get enough rest, and stay hydrated. Engage in activities that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Learn something new, like a skill, a course, a hobby, etc. Do things that take your mind away from the bitterness of loss.
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- 3. Reflect
One sign of growth is reflection. Reflect on your actions in the friendship. Were they any warning signs you were ignoring? Were there any unresolved conflicts? Did you contribute to the demise of the friendship via your words, actions, etc? What are the events that led up to the death of the friendship? Take responsibility for your part, if you played any part in the breakup. Apologise if you must.
Reflecting on these questions can help you gain closure and understand what went wrong. Importantly, don’t blame yourself for the breakup. Remember, you are human you can’t be perfect, relationships like friendship constantly get affected by change, always.
- 4. Let go of resentment
When my frienship with my university best friend ended, i was filled with so much anger and resentment afterwards. Of course this was fuelled by all the gossip-mongering. I regretably allowed myself indulge my rensentment by saying things which I didn’t mean. I still cringe a lot about these events, but i have moved on.
As much as your feelings of anger and resentment are valid, you shouldnt hold on to them. Let them go, lets all move on.
Don’t be the bitter party that goes on social meida to post quotes that can insight more negativity. Cut the long chain of problems that comes with playing out negative emotions like resentment. Holding onto resentment and anger will only prolong the healing process. Its so important to forgive your friends, ( well, now ex friends) and forgive your self. Growing!
Remeber that forgiveness doesnt mean you forgot what happened, it just means youre willing to let go of the negative emotions that comes with broken friendhsips. Although this is difficult, you have to so it one step at a time.
5. Focus on the present and future.
It’s easy to get caught up in the past and what could have been done differently. However, it’s important to focus on the present and future.
For growth sake, think about positive things. You know, dont forget you had good memeories with this peroson or people. Be grateful for that, good memeories are the best treaures in the world and memory may never buy that.
Set new goals and aspirations for yourself, whether it’s a new hobby, career, or learning a new course. Rememeber also to learn lessons from the breakup so in your next frienships, you too can be a better friend.
- 6. Reach out for support
Don’t be afraid to reach out for support during this time. If the friendship breakup is too difficult for you, talk to someone about it. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can absolutely helps you process your emotions and gain a fresh perspective.
It’s important to surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, rather than those who bring you down. Build back your confidence.
When faced with overwhelming emotions, its not for your benefit to lock yourself away. This always turns out horribly for your mental health. Be in the company of those who love you unconditionally, like family.
- 7. Be patient and kind to yourself
One of the qualites of love is that ist patent, kind and doesn’t hold on to resentment. Self love teaches you to understand the meaning of love on a personal level. You have to be kind to yourself in the world which is already harsh enough.
Besides, moving on and healing takes a good amount of and patience. Friendship connections run deep. Sometimes, you just want to go back to them again, like in romantic relationships breakup. You just want to feel close to this person who has become a part of your daily life.
Honetsly, the feeling of loosing a firend is hard. Especially when you’re all within the same vacinity and have to kinda ignore each other. You won’t feel better overnight.
Patiently allow yourself to go through the ups and downs of the healing process. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Else you can’t give kindess and compassion to other people healthily.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it’s reallly challeging to move on from a friendship break up. Friends are important part of our lives. Some of our core memeories are generated around friends, family and other loved ones.
When in friendships, always do your part and be honest. Communicate honestly.
You’ll make new friends, you may break up with them too. Nothing is pemanent, just do your best to be a responsible person. Not all friendships are meant to be deeply rooted.
Some people can just be regular friends that you just hang out with and discuss nothing closely perosnal. Some friends, you do bsuiness with, others are plugs to nice things like clothes, food, etc. Learn to “compartmentalize” your friendships. All your friendships don’t need to be in the same circle.
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