| Who are toxic friends | What are the Signs of a toxic friend or friendship? | How to walk away from toxic friendships |
Intro
How to identify a toxic friend, more importantly, how to walk away from toxic friends.
Nearly everyone has had an encounter with a friend or friends they would describe with the word “toxic“. I’m pretty certain they did leave a mark and a huge impact on our view of friendships.
University life really gave me some golden first-hand experiences and lessons on friendships. And I have been traumatized and scarred for life. I passed through some friendships that actually thought me valuable lessons on trust, judgment, and intuition.
I joined a group of friends in my 2nd year at university. They were already a friend group of 4 before I joined to become the 5th person. One of the first things I noticed was a struggle for power and dominance between two members of the group. There was also division: the two alpha chicks had each of the remaining two people on their sides respectively. So I was kind of stuck in the middle.
Subsequently, we’d make plans for many things, and in true friendship group spirits, we mostly never chased any of the plans. Certainly. there were good girlfriend moments. But that was mostly just for pictures. We loved to do makeup, play dress up, and take pictures, those were the few moments of sisterhood I could remember.
By our 3rd year, 2 of us got a new, very clean, and very chick new phone. I got an apartment and moved out of the hostel. I made plans to hang out with my girls as much as I could at my place; sleepovers, cooking, they were welcome. This was going to be the ultimate girl group, but this is where the friendship kind of fell apart.
Who is a toxic friend?
A toxic friend is a friend who has ill intentions towards you, manifested as bad traits and tendencies towards the friendship.
The thing that makes a toxic friend is the consistency of his or her actions, followed by a lack of regret or acknowledgment of the actions.
They repeatedly do shady and negative things and never take any responsibility for their actions. Friendships become toxic when they are more burdensome than supportive.
What are the signs of toxic friends?
When you look well enough, the toxic friends never hid their true colors. The signs are always there. You can identify a toxic friend.
Some are very oblivious to their toxic traits, while some know and do not care how you perceive them.
To them, you are the toxic one, the bad friend. Moreso, if you listen to the story from their perspective, you might feel that you are indeed a bad friend.
How to identify a toxic friend?: These are the common traits of a toxic friend;
They always make everything about them.
Somehow, everything must be about them. They always want to manipulate situations to center around them.
I noticed this red flag in my friendship group when one of us began feeling offended that we didn’t meet up in her room. We all met up in a different group member’s room but she just wanted the meetings to happen in her room.
When we asked her what was wrong with our normal rendezvous, her reply was that she felt we were abandoning her and taking her for granted. It didn’t make any sense to us because it wasn’t even a spoken rule, we unanimously just converged in other members’ rooms. And she was always there too.
Toxic friends want the world to revolve around them. This is one way to identify a toxic friend. The attention, the rule, the plan? She wants all of it, she doesn’t care really about why it’s not centered around her she just wants to be the center of it all.
Toxic friends always have an excuse for bad behavior.
I understand that bad behaviors may have deeply rooted reasons behind them but there is a problem when you make no actual effort to manage your negative tendencies.
Another member of my friendship group had this quality. She always held on to her “I’m extra sensitive” position strongly to avoid being confronted for her bad behavior.
Whenever she was called out on the thing shady thing she did or said, she would try to pull the sensitive card and guilt trip the rest of us for saying “hurtful” things to her.
A way to identify a toxic friend is through these actions. They intentionally do things that they are aware rubs you off in the wrong way. Further, she wants to be excused for saying demeaning things, doing hurtful things, embarrassing you, being selfish, etc.
A toxic friend is always jealous of your achievement and happiness
One of the members of my friendship group just changed completely. She would be offended that the two of us who got a new phone were “showing off too much” in order to “rub it on her that she couldn’t afford a new phone”.
This was a red flag that I should have taken more seriously. She first tried to disregard the “significance” of the new phones, then she turned it to us trying to remind her of her financial state.
To her, We should have waited to buy the phones together, or we could have bought less expensive phones. But we decided to be selfish and buy expensive, slick phones because we just want her to feel bad. Imagine feeling so self-absorbed that you think I’d spend my hard-earned and saved money to impress you!
A toxic friend doesn’t celebrate your success
When you’ve achieved something outstanding or even small victories, they never want to show support but try to diminish your achievement and success.
Sometimes they turn the whole situation around and center it around them. I have legit been friends with someone who would bring up her past trauma when someone was celebrating something.
She would literally drain everyone’s mood by bringing up her past trauma. I’m not trying to say we shouldn’t be sympathetic.
I’m just saying that maybe the best time to bring up disheartening stories isn’t in the moment of celebration.
This is another sure way to identify a toxic friend. They are never happy for you and even intentionally but “accidentally” or “unintentionally” ruin your good news.
Always seem to be in competition with you.
When you get the nagging feeling that somehow, your friend mirrors every single action you take especially in a very sneaky way, you’re not overthinking.
It’s mostly true. The worst part is, these types of friends hardly admit your influence in their decisions or even acknowledge you whatsoever.
They see you buy a wig, they get that exact same wig. They see you tie up your hair a certain way, and they do the same all the while, never acknowledging you. I think this is very creepy and unsettling. When people don’t give you good vibes, then they probably aren’t the ones for you.
If your friend is doing the exact same thing you do especially without acknowledging you, it’s bad vibes.
Toxic friends always get what you planned for yourself without acknowledging it. I noticed that one of the members of my friend group was always monitoring the choices another member made.
If member B decided to get a piece of jewelry or charm for herself, she decided to get the exact same one for herself, if member B decided to get her lashes done, she did too. From clothes to gifts for boyfriends, even career choices.
Never has anything good to say about other people or you.
They always point out your insecurities. They’re the first to remind you of your insecurities.
If you keep friends that don’t hesitate to tell others your secrets, tell your “crush” about an insecurity you have.
Or if you keep friends that causally say very significant things, especially negative and such things that should be kept secret; they’re not your friends and you should cut ties with them.
One thing to identify a toxic friend by is their need to tear others down. If this is a trait of someone you’re friends with, it’s best to stay away from such people. They can corrupt you too to have a foul mouth towards other people.
This behavior doesn’t edify you in any way. It doesn’t lead toward personal growth or development and it’s not a sign is self-love.
A friend who is willing to say bad things about strangers, their own friends, will not hesitate to say something bad about you to other people.
They are dishonest and never take responsibility.
One of the members of my friendship group stole something important to me and when I confronted her about it, she outright denied it.
Then when I found her with it, she made a joke about it. I laughed but I was disappointed and I solicited my decision to walk away from that group.
They’re always quick to lie about things. They don’t respect you enough to tell you the truth or their honest feelings and are often passive-aggressive. They’re always never responsible for their actions, it has to be influenced by something else or someone else’s actions.
Why should you subject yourself to an environment of lies? If you have a friend who constantly lies to you about even the most obvious things, a friend who is willing to cheat you, take what’s yours, and always blame you or something else for her mistakes, you should best walk away from them. This is a sign to identify a toxic friend.
They take from you like it’s their right and they never give back.
They always want to use you and what’s yours. They enjoy the benefits of being friends with you.
Maybe you’re generous, they love your generosity because to them you’re just a fool who will give to your friends either way.
Or maybe you’re popular or from a rich family, have a handsome brother, or just your time and attention.
They feel entitled to your resources and don’t respect your boundaries. To them, you’re just a means to an end.
They are always judging you for making mistakes.
Friendship groups should be a place of sisterhood for the members in it. You should feel safe right?
But the reality of friendship groups is that it is in fact made up of humans. And humans can’t help but be human.
They will judge you for your past, present, and future. Sometimes they won’t let you know the reservations they have about you. They judge you right behind you and think the worst of you and other people. These kinds of friends, stay away from them.
How to leave toxic friends
Identify the problem
Identify the toxic friend character in them which makes it hard for you to keep being friends with them. And make sure it’s reason enough. You can leave friends for many reasons and constant toxicity is consequently just one of them.
Talk to them
After you identify these toxic traits of toxicity because you’re their friend you should talk to them about it. And you owe them that much: honesty.
So let them know how you feel, and listen to them and their reactions. If they’re inclined on being the same, the third time’s the charm. Walk away before it’s too late.
Be honest and direct with your feelings.
Don’t be a false friend. If you don’t like something don’t pretend to like it, it makes you no different from the toxic friends you’re trying to avoid. Learn to be honest about your emotions.
Reduce your contact with them.
I had made a declaration to my friends that I honestly couldn’t be friends with them anymore.
Because I was tired of the constant blame and side-picking game, the dishonesty, and the cover-ups. I couldn’t feel comfortable with that so I made the choice to leave. I unfollowed them on social media and blocked their contacts over time.
Evidently, the first time you leave is always bumpy, you will feel feelings, these were supposed to be your friends. Embrace the feelings of hurt, and know you’re taking this decision for your own good.
Dont be shady and problematic
Above all, don’t post subliminal messages or shady posts on social media. Be most intentional with your energy and mental health. Do not pollute your mind.
There will always be drama. Especially with toxic friends, they might just spread all sorts of stories and try to taint your image.
Ignore them or just avoid the drama they’re trying to bring. Excuse yourself and rid of the need to defend yourself from people. You made this choice for your own reasons.
Engage in other activities and hobbies.
Maybe take a break from making friends till you get over this toxic one. Take your time to heal. Surround yourself with positivity.
Stay loyal to yourself and be true to how you feel and give yourself time to get over everything.
You should also never ignore your intuitions.
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