We all want some things out of life but they can also be unrealistic expectations. How do you manage unrealistic expectations? and how does it affect your life?
Intro
Learning to manage unrealistic expectations. Expectations are the hopes we have of things happening to or for us. We have expectations of life, and that’s why we wake up every day and do what we do. Overall, We expect our work to give us benefits. Many expectations have to do great things. We expect to be many things: good, kind and caring, loving, understanding, nonjudgemental, profitable, hardworking, selfless, charitable, etc. Some people expect themselves to fail, be lazy, quit, etc.
Generally, expectations of ourselves and life stem from how we identify ourselves. Our mental state, our thought process, our affections, and our dispositions. These are factors that influence our expectations.
Evidently, children expect love, care, and support from their parents and family. Families expect obedience, honesty, and discipline from their children. Spouses expect love, support, and partnership, from their significant other. Staff expects remuneration and promotion, paid leaves, sick leaves, etc from work. People invest in businesses expecting profits and healthy returns on their investments, etc.
We all have expectations. However, expectations can become unrealistic.
What are unrealistic expectations?
As a matter of fact, unrealistic expectations are unfeasible hopes of things happening to you. Things beyond your reach, or the reach of those you have expectations of.
There are different circumstances in which people exhibit unrealistic expectations. These include;
unrealistic expectations of one’s self
These are unrealistic goals, hopes, and ambitions we set for ourselves as individuals. When I was a teenager, I proposed to myself that I’d be done with college, at the age of 21. By 23 to 24, I’d get married by 24 to 25. Be a happy woman with my whole life just running smoothly.
I’m 23 and just rounded up college after failing to get in for a while. I’ve had 2 dramatic brushes with health. The money I thought I’d have by this age, I don’t even have 2 % of it. Those were unrealistic expectations of a teenager.
As adults, we can also have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We expect ourselves to be productive individuals who have our lives together and have every bread buttered. Unfortunately, that’s never the case. It’s never smooth, and so many unforeseen circumstances show up.
unrealistic expectations From relationships
While in relationships, you’d be doing yourself a great service by acknowledging the humanity of your significant other. They are human beings too. Just like you, they have flaws, challenges, limits, ups, and downs, strengths, and weaknesses.
Acknowledging this humanness helps create better relationships. Just like you, your significant other will have good sides, good days, bad sides, and bad days.
Unrealistic expectations from relationships are characterized by expectations of perfection from your significant other, it’s impossible. Just like you, they have pet peeves, flaws, pasts, etc. Don’t give what you can’t take. Be responsible for yourself.
This is why it’s good to get to know each other and to be honest with yourselves. There are some flaws that you can tolerate and those which you can’t. Getting to know each other establishes these foundations for building or discontinuing relationships.
From friendships
Unrealistic expectations from friendships look like this;
- You expect your friends to always tolerate your flaws when you’re not making any attempt to manage yourself better.
- Selfishly expect them to always forgive you when you make mistakes. Never show up for them but expect them to show up for you regardless.
- Unrealistic expectations from friendships look like a lack of accountability.
- Never apologizing when you do wrong.
- You parade through the friendship with high horses, pride, selfishness, and entitlement.
- You are always in a victim/bully mentality.
- You want everyone to take your side on the matter.
- You’re not respectful of other people’s decisions and feelings.
Don’t be surprised if they walk away from you because they can’t do with your inconsistencies and irrational expectations.
Unrealistic expectations From family
“family is family no matter what”. This mentality is what some family members use as an excuse to do weird things to their family members. There is only so much anyone can take, including family.
- Unrealistic expectations from family look like expecting your family to have your back regardless of what you do.
- You do not make any conscious effort towards being a better person, towards respecting your family.
- When you expect them to always show up regardless of how much a pain you are
- Expecting family to clean up after you, just because they’re family.
When you just use the family excuse as a way to get away with being irresponsible, inconsiderate, and reckless, don’t get offended when people pull away from you. Your expectations are simply Unrealistic.
People get fed up with the same drama. Regardless of their shares blood and traits, they are human beings too. Worst if it’s an intentionally created drama, created out of your negligence and carelessness.
From life
Expecting life to always be fair to you because you wish for it is an unrealistic expectation. The world is actually not fair and you may complain and cry about it. However, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and guard against the unfairness of life. Put measures in place to help you navigate through the unfairness. Create something for yourself from what’s given to you.
Life isn’t silky smooth. People won’t always like you, see eye to eye with you, or believe in your orientations in sex, politics, religion, money, food, etc. Respect other people’s life choices and do your own part.
Life doesn’t revolve around what you like. Your feelings are valid indeed but realistically, they don’t matter to the next person. Because everyone has their own real problems that affect their feelings too. Your preference is not standard because this world was made for everyone. Do you and let others be.
From work
Your boss won’t know you need a week off unless you say so. He is more than happy to keep accepting your working hours. It’s your job to look out for yourself and actually take the breaks that you need. You will not be given credit for your work except you put yourself out there for recognition.
Your work head won’t know your bright idea except you bring it to him. Your colleagues won’t treat you like you’re an angel or a goddess. They are humans too even if they wear nice clothes and smell nice.
It’s unhealthy expectations to hope for things to just work in the office especially if you can’t make it work. Speak up, own up, and show up to do your part. Leave the things you can’t control.
Dangers Of Unrealistic Expectations
Setting unrealistic expectations is a major disservice to yourself, a red flag in relationships and at work. You’re being dishonest with yourself by setting more goals than you can achieve, biting more than you can swallow.
- It will lead to stress. When you keep shoving unrealistic things down your throat and that of others, it will stress you, and others, body-mind, and soul. This stress will ultimately hinder your productivity and lead you to achieve absolutely nothing but wasted time.
- Unrealistic expectations cause depression and anxiety. Imagine expecting yourself, who isn’t from a wealthy home, to work so hard and became a billionaire by 25. You will most likely not achieve such a goal, for obvious reasons. Therefore because you haven’t achieved your unrealistic goal, you write yourself off as a failure and follow up with a period of depression.
- Unrealistic expectations may, can, and will most likely ruin relationships with your spouses, families, friends, and even yourself. When people go out of their way to do nice things for you, no matter the relationship you have with them, you should respond with gratitude. Ingratitude is a sign that you can’t manage your unrealistic expectations. If your parents are struggling financially, it is selfish to expect them to buy every new item in the market. Just to keep up with your Joneses, that’s selfish. Unrealistic expectations are selfish, they show that you only care for yourself.
- Anxiety can be a product of unrealistic expectations. I used to have unrealistic expectations of myself. I’d set some goals like year-end, I should have achieved this particular amount of money in my account. When the time that I set approaches, I realize I’ve not checked anything off my list. My anxiety begins to grow and this is never good for anyone.
- You keep getting disappointed over and over when you don’t manage unrealistic expectations. Imagine dating someone who has cheated on you, the first time was a “mistake”. The second time, another story. If you, keep relationships with that kind of person you’re bound to experience all sorts of negative emotions. Disappointment is one of them, laced with depression and other traumatizing emotions.
- Unrealistic expectations like expecting people to understand you when you don’t understand yourself can lead to many problems for you. Including problems like staying in abusive and manipulative relationships. Learn to manage yourself, and define yourself so others don’t do for you.
- You can’t cultivate healthy relationships when you don’t manage unrealistic expectations. You’d put yourself in the cycle of broken expectations because you want people to be what they simply can’t be or do.
- When you have unrealistic expectations from your workplace, you might as well end up without a job. Your expectations will show in your productivity and if you’re nursing unrealistic expectations, it can hamper your productivity.
- Having unrealistic expectations from friends makes you a toxic friend. Don’t expect people to do things you can’t do for yourself or things you can’t reciprocate in equal value.
- Unrealistic expectation never allows room for true happiness. Feelings of positive emotions and contentment are far from you because you’re too busy nursing utopian dreams. You’re too busy complaining about what should be, and what you should have been given. Instead of counting the blessings you have.
- It makes you a hypocrite because you’re living a life of soluble standards. Expecting the impossible from others while giving yourself and others the bare minimum and very average treatment.
How to manage unrealistic expectations
We all have limits
Everyone has limits; including you and the people, you keep expecting unrealistic things from. There’s only so much everyone can do, tolerate and accept.
Don’t expect your family to always be there for you every time you intentionally hurt or disappoint them. They will lose their patience because you’re constantly intentionally crossing all the lines.
If you have an emotional management problem, seek help. Your significant other won’t always be happily tolerating all your excesses, especially when they’re trying hard to be patient with you.
If you’re not consciously putting in the work to be better, you’ll drive the people who care about you to their limits. Do not constantly expose yourself to dangerous and traumatizing circumstances, you have a limit too and you should respect that.
You’re not perfect either. Everyone is made of good and bad. Most of us just are more aware of our dark sides and consciously try to tilt toward the grey scale.
Practice mindful living:
Be mindful and present in your life. Be active and conscious about your decisions and expectations. Consciously put yourself in positions that are favorable for your mental health.
Take time to do things. Pay attention to yourself and the people around you, and take time to study your environment and community, partner, and family.
Enforce and respect boundaries:
When people set boundaries of their limits, respect that, regardless of who they are to you. It’s a toxic trait for you to expect people to break their limits for you.
When someone has respected you enough to let you know what their limits are, listen to them and respect them. Do not trigger or push them to their limits.
You as well set limits and realistic expectations for yourself. Realize, you can’t be everything at once. You can’t be perfect and you will not always have good days, don’t expect otherwise. Don’t live in dishonesty with yourself, listen to yourself, when your body says it can’t go beyond a certain line.
Respect your self, mind, and soul, and adhere to your limits. Take a break when needed, and started over if necessary.
Be kind to yourself and to others
Practice the act of being kind. Do kind things without expecting return, and seek happiness in yourself, and in life. Everyone is going through life in some form, remember to be kind.
Don’t go around being the reason people have a bad day. When you can walk away from confrontation, do it as an act of kindness to yourself.
Live up to your own expectations.
Do your part. Accept your humanity, and give room for errors, breaks, etc. Make sure the work you expect others to put in, you must be able to match equally.
Practice appreciation instead of complaints.
Rather than focus on could have, should have, focus on remembering all the positive things to be thankful for. Say kind things to yourself, and be thankful for all the things you have.
Consciously express gratitude in place of grumbling and complaints. It’s a negative emotion and it’s not healthy for your body, mind, and soul. Give thanks instead.
This helps you look back at your success. Balance it out against your expectations, and see when to correct or set healthier and more rational expectations.
You really can’t have everything in life.
It’s never perfect or fair. Expecting life to be smooth when it has shown time and over that it isn’t, is an unrealistic expectation. You have to accept its eccentricities which exist in every aspect of life, from health, economics, social, personal, psychological, etc.
There may never be such a thing as even distribution of wealth. We can only front, but the depth of inequality in wealth just boils down to our greed. After all, you can’t have everything in life and you may never get to experience another side you want.
Be responsible for yourself
Take control of yourself. You’re not responsible for other people’s reactions, thought processes, etc. You can’t expect people to act like you. Everyone judges others based on their own perception of right, wrong, good, evil, emotions, knowledge, moods, cognition, attitude, beliefs, etc
Most of these are affected by agents of socialization, orientation, culture, etc. Just as you have your influences, the world is vast and has as many perspectives as it has people.
Learn to respect that fact. Understand that you can’t make people behave the way you do, or think like you. You shouldn’t disrespect people for thinking a different way than you.
Control yourself, hold your side. You are responsible for emotions and your reactions, not others.
You make mistakes too
You’re not perfect either. Everyone is made of good and bad. Most of us just are more aware of our dark sides and consciously try to tilt toward the grey scale.
Temper your expectations of other people with this knowledge in mind.
Some people can control their impulses to do wrong. Others can’t, most people have control over their emotions, and others can’t, even if they’re rich billionaires.
The next time you feel the need to call someone inhuman for expressing frustration in a way that doesn’t appeal to you, remember that you’re not perfect either and everyone has something imperfect about them.
“one man’s food is another man’s poison” .
unknown
Karma doesn’t work like that
Sometimes, karma doesn’t do anything you expect it to. This isn’t saying karma doesn’t exist, that’s not my place to say.
Maybe the concept of Karma isn’t that people get exactly what they do. If you cheated on someone, you will be cheated on, or if someone abuses you, they will equally be abused, or their close ones will be.
Most times that’s never the case. Although that doesn’t mean they’ve gotten away with doing evil things. Maybe karma means life is neither black nor white because good and bad happen to every kind of person but they just manifest in different forms.
Life will be life
Let go of unrealistic expectations of life to always do what you think it will do. The thing that makes life what it is, are all the intricacies and messed up controllable factors. Life moves as we move, we are life, the flaws, the learning, the emotions, the goods, and the evils. Just find what works for you. You’re allowed to modify life to the way that works best for you.
Keep an open mind, life is neither black nor white. Everyone is not the same and things never happen as you want them to.
When expecting things, I’d advise keeping your expectations low. This protects you from the harsh blows of disappointments. It also allows you to enjoy the surprise of great and enjoyable results.
Moreover, Keeping a closed mind only leads to unrealistic expectations, people can have a better side to themselves, and things can change.
Practice honesty
Especially with yourself. Don’t ignore yourself or the signs you’re experiencing that point toward unrealistic expectations. Living in denial of the truth only makes matters worse for you. The problems you don’t address never disappear, they expand.
Be honest with yourself, and spend time asking yourself important questions. Get to know yourself, and spend quality time with yourself. Be sincere with yourself and when you’re seeking help, be honest about your real feelings. Honesty is a sure way to manage unrealistic expectations
Seek the help you need
When you hit a tough spot, or you particularly find it hard to let go of unhealthy expectations, you might need to seek help from confidence or a professional.
In the earlier state of my relationship with my partner, we would have fights because of my unrealistic expectations of his personality.
His personality was different from what I envisaged in my head, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to get to know each other better.
He would call me out on my unrealistic expectations of him, and the double standards I lived by. I had to actually listen and think deeply, even talking to him about it. Now, thankfully I’m at a better place in terms of managing my expectations of him. and myself.
Practice forgiveness
Never hold on to emotion as unhealthy as un-forgiveness. When people do things that make you unhappy, hurt you, or betray you, the best thing you can do for them is to forgive what they did.
If necessary, cut your connections with them. You’re doing this for your peace, never dwell on the negativity, just move on for yourself, for your peace.
Forgive, to release yourself of the responsibility of being angry at something bad. Literally, no use crying over spilled milk, do yourself a favor, forgive, and move on.
Communication is key:
Learn to communicate your expectations, this way, you’re at least in the clear. It also helps identify and manage unrealistic expectations.
In relationships, I believe it’s better to communicate your expectations to your significant other. This way, you both can sieve through what can or can’t be met.
This is one of the key pieces of information needed to be known in a relationship, You can’t know what you’re doing if you have no idea who you’re with.