How to overcome emotional dependency and be your own happy person.
What is an emotional dependency?
Emotional dependency is the state of being utterly dependent on another person to support the majority or all of your emotional needs.
Emotional dependency not only happens in relationships but also in friendships, families, etc.
When you make someone all in all. Subsequently, without them, you can’t function, pick yourself up, or manage your emotions. These are exhibiting signs of emotional dependency.
Topdoctors.Co.uk define emotionally dependent people as having “… a great lack of self-control and feel great discomfort when they are not near the person they are dependent on They feel the insatiable need to be with that person and are unable to sever ties that bind them”.
Cadabamshospital.com defines emotional dependency as a state of mind where a person is incapable of taking full responsibility for their own feelings.
Is emotional dependency the same as love?
It can be easy to confuse love with emotional dependency.
Love is an emotion that has many faces. Emotional support is a part of love.
Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with wanting support from your partner through emotional despairs.
However, Just like everything else, there needs to be a balance. This way, it doesn’t become too much or too little.
When emotional support crosses the defined lines of support, it becomes an emotional dependency. This can be an explicitly toxic situation for individuals and relationships alike.
Therefore, emotional dependency is not the same as love.
Love is many things, but it never exhibits unhealthy characteristics of emotional dependency. Love is kind, love is caring, and love is patient and content.
Emotional dependency is the state where you feel nothing on your own. Alone, you can’t manage your overwhelming emotions.
Basically, you hate not being attended to. You specifically hate when the people you love spend time with other people so much. Your personality is traded for “happiness”, in order to please people.
If you love yourself, you will take the time to build yourself. Learn to define yourself, and care for your mental, physical, and social needs. Those are the qualities of self-love, among others.
Self-love is Accepting yourself with your flaws and all. It’s admitting we are all works in progress. We have our burden to bear, we make mistakes hence, we need to be firm in our personalities.
Love is maturity, realizing that you may occasionally not always see eye to eye with your family or partner. Either party will make mistakes and have different values, and we need to own up to ourselves respectively.
This is how relationships work. Two significantly different people even if related by blood or emotions. They will literally not become one i.e. being entirely one pair that breathes, talks, eats, loves the same way, etc.
Love is so many things, but one thing love isn’t is a desperate need for someone. One trait of a healthy relationship is the ability of both parties to have adequate emotional management skills.
Therefore, a partner that exhibits signs of “I can’t live without you, you’re the air I breathe, the sand on my soil”, is suffering emotional dependence!
Love isn’t emotional dependency, love is being your own person and allowing others to be the same too. If you exhibit any of these signs, you need to overcome the emotional dependency created, to live a healthy life.
What are the signs of emotional dependency?
You need their approval and reassurance for everything:
You feel like their choices for you are better than yours and you always turn to them for a yes. And, when they say otherwise, you’re crushed and discouraged from doing what you truly want.
desperately seeking their attention
You desperately want them to see you doing well, at all times. You desperately need them to notice you looking good, smelling nice, excelling, being unhappy, being disturbed… That’s not healthy.
You idolize your partner
Their views, their ideals, their opinion over yours. You place them on a pedestal of knowledge and wisdom, they have seen it all therefore they know it all.
They choose who you make friends with. Your philosophy in life for you becomes a reflection of theirs. Without a doubt, you believe in their thinking process over yours because your feel entranced by their lifestyle.
You lose your personality and absorb theirs:
Believing your personality is not good enough. You want to consciously mirror their personality, habits( good and bad), socialization patterns, etc.
You have a crippling feeling of jealousy and possessiveness:
Because you desperately seek their attention, you absolutely hate when they give it to someone else. You feel like you deserve all their time, attention, and obligations. If wishes were horses, you would disconnect them from the world and put both of you in a bubble forever. Throw the keys away
A constant fear of rejection and abandonment:
The irrational fear of being left alone. Accompanied by fear of not being good or useful enough is a sign of emotional dependency. You’re constantly expressing fear of being abandoned and rejected. Thus, staying in toxic relationships and situations longer than you should. Because you’re scared of being alone, feeling rejected or abandoned.
Inability to spend time by yourself
…without feeling a form of anxiety. Constantly, you feel the need to be around people because you can’t stand to be alone. You ignore yourself a lot and brush over real issues with the company of others.
You don’t trust their feelings and emotions toward you
Despite how much you want reassurance, you never believe in how much they claim to truly love you. You could possibly even have a different definition of love in your head. You’re always in doubt of their feelings and intentions. Yet you can’t bring yourself to prove your doubts, or even walk away.
You can’t walk away from an obviously toxic relationship
Even when all the red and green flags are screaming reasons to walk away, you can’t find it in yourself to do so.
You ignore Yourself to make the relationship work
Ignoring your instinct and the voices of concern. Pursuing an emotion that you’re possibly imagining. Love isn’t danger or fear. Doubt, self-questioning, and neglect are signs of emotional dependency.
What causes emotional dependency
- Low self-esteem which could stem from so many reasons especially involving our upbringing, is a cause of emotional dependency.
- Lack of confidence in oneself which stems from Ignorance of one’s self, and not spending time to build or know one’s self, makes us susceptible to emotional dependency.
- An absent personality can cause emotional dependence. When you ignore yourself and your feelings, you may become detached from your own life and have little to no control over yourself giving you a way to live for other people.
- Childhood trauma: so many people had very unhealthy childhoods including exposure to unhealthy relationship patterns which subconsciously created a tendency for emotional dependency in them.
- Inability to form proper cognitive skills: emotional dependency can also stem from an Inability to properly build your state of mind. You might have been sheltered from emotional challenges your whole life, or other such circumstances which didn’t allow you properly form a thinking process especially concerning unavoidable emotions.
- Ignorance of emotional dependency state: emotional dependency can also be a result of ignorance of what emotional dependency is. You genuinely have no reference for healthy and unhealthy behaviors in relationships hence you can’t tell if you’re being emotionally dependent or not.
- Life references: we are often a product of our primary environment and society. Hence, the apple won’t fall far from the tree. We may pick signs of emotional dependency from our primary agents of socialization throughout life, especially family.
How to overcome emotional dependency
To manage and overcome emotional dependency, here are a few tips;
Create a space to consciously Spend time with yourself
Quality alone time is time set aside to give undivided attention to someone or yourself. Develop a habit of allotting quality time to yourself, and in this time, slow down and be with yourself, nurse yourself, intentionally listen and care for yourself.
Be present in your life
Do not leave the decisions of your life up to other people, even if they’re people you trust. Be present in your life, and be aware of your emotions, thoughts, and dispositions. If something makes you uncomfortable, acknowledge it and do what’s right for you.
Listen to yourself
When your heart, body, and mind speak, listen. Listen to your guts and intentions. When your mind is vehemently not agreeing to something then it’s best to listen. Only by listening to yourself are you able to truly define who you are and build up your personality.
Develop a life of your own
With the information you have on yourself: learn new hobbies, skills, and knowledge. By spending time to know yourself, you have information on yourself and you can use said information to build your life, find your root, find your vibe and what you like. This way, you can actually create solutions for your case of emotional dependency.
Practice honest communication with yourself
… and other concerned people: speak with yourself with the intention of listening and caring, not judging. Speak to the people who are concerned about you genuinely concerning your challenges or anything. Be vocal about your feelings, don’t suppress and ignore them. Communicate your feelings, your boundaries, emotions you have difficulties handling, etc.
Identify the patterns that have signs of emotional dependency in yourself
Spend time identifying the traits of emotional dependency in yourself in order to find matching management techniques. Set boundaries for yourself using the information you have on your patterns of emotional dependency. Create boundaries that heavily define when you’re about to cross the line of unhealthiness. Eliminate the people who don’t respect these boundaries especially intentionally. Lastly, adhere to your boundaries too out of respect and love for yourself.
Accept that differences are normal and natural:
It’s okay for your partner to not notice you or agree with you all the time. Develop other interests for yours. One of the most mature things you can do for yourself in a relationship is to build your personality separate from the relationship. Grow as a person, while growing in your relationship. This way, both of you can flourish alone and even better together.
Accept that jealousy is a normal emotion
but how you digest such emotion is most important: When you care about people, it’s normal to feel jealous and protective of them. These are normal emotions, but they are also volatile. Attend to these emotions with the intention of reducing their impact on your reaction. Be respectful of other people’s space and life.
Seek help when you need it.
Visit a professional to help you with managing your emotional dependency challenges. Allow yourself to find true happiness.
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